Have you heard about the Florida lawmaker who wants schools to assign grades to the parents of the children enrolled in Florida schools? While I’m not sure it would actually change any parental behavior I do think it’s an interesting concept to ponder. I think parents who are uninvolved would remain uninvolved, even if they got an “F.” After all, if they’re uninvolved, do you really think they’ll care about whatever grade a teacher might assign them?
But the parents I think would be the most amazed in a “Grade Your Parents” program are the parents who are too actively involved in their children’s education. The term for them is “helicopter parents” because they hover over their child. I know, because I was one! I didn’t know it at the time, but you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Now, as the owner of School of Rock in Minnesota, I also see “helicopter parents” of the students in our program. Not all of the parents are helicopter parents, mind you, but some of them are. We know they have the best intentions in whatever they do, but contrary to what they believe, they don’t always know what is best for their child.
So whether it’s your child’s academic teacher, music teacher or sports coach, try to keep these thoughts in mind when you feel the need to jump in and fix things for your child:
1. The teacher/coach wants the best thing for your child.
Our job as educators is to help children grow. We need to set the bar high enough that they feel challenged to achieve it and low enough that they have good chance of achieving it. If you think your child is being unfairly treated, perhaps the teacher knows s/he is capable of more if s/he’d work a little harder. We all know that sense of accomplishment of working hard for something and getting it. It’s much more rewarding than being able to do something simple. It also teaches us how to work towards something that isn’t apparently within reach.
2. The teacher/coach is more objective than you are about your child’s skill level and potential.
Your son: the next Slash!
“Objective” may mean your child is MORE talented than you give him credit for or LESS talented than you believe she is. If you have no personal experience playing the guitar you may not understand that your child is masterful at it. You may think that every child who plays guitar plays like your son. Conversely, sometimes our love for our child makes us believe she is better than anyone in the world at singing. You really need to let the experts call this shot. They see many more children than you do and they are not more emotionally attached to one child versus another.
3. What you are wanting may be more for you than it is for your child.
We’ve all heard of Dads who want their son to be a future NFL quarterback when all the boy wants to do is ride his skateboard. But that’s not what I’m talking about. Let’s say your child wants to be in a rock band so you enroll her in School of Rock. She’s having a great time, making friends and progressing nicely. But it comes time for the concert and you find out she’s only performing on two songs and someone else is performing on four songs. You’re furious. You want your child on the maximum number of songs. You start thinking it isn’t fair. Or that the show director doesn’t like your child as much as another child. You call the school to complain.
Or WORSE than that, you start demanding your child practice more so she’ll get assigned more songs.
Or EVEN WORSE than that, you start planning his future; he’ll go to Julliard, she’ll win the next American Idol. Whatever it is.
The only thing is, all your child ever wanted to do was play in a rock band right here in her hometown. She’s 13 years old and isn’t even in High School yet, let alone thinking about college or a career. Now you’re taking the fun out of it.
Maybe YOU want it more than he does.
4. You only have to be concerned about how it affects your child. The teacher/coach has to consider what is best for the entire team/class/band.
Your middle-school child is an over-achiever and signs up for everything. Somehow she manages to stay on top of it all. Then she goes into High School and the pressures ramp up a notch and she’s having a difficult time juggling everything that was once easy for her.
She made the debate team but she isn’t pulling her weight. She comes unprepared for practice and has to read her notes during a debate because she didn’t have time to study the details before the competition. The coach tells her she’s no longer on the debate team and you blame the coach.
Doesn’t he know that your child has always been an over-achiever? That she’ll get a grasp on everything again and she’ll be a superstar? He’ll want her back then!
That’s probably all true. But your daughter has had a negative effect on the debate TEAM. She didn’t pull her weight. A coach’s job is to create the best TEAM; not to gather together the best INDIVIDUALS.
Your job is to help your child through this disappointment. Help her understand the importance of balance and not taking on too much. Help her understand that she isn’t a failure and she is not expected to “do it all.” Congratulate her for her efforts. This is a teaching moment for YOU and a learning moment for her.
But don’t go charging down to the school and tell the administrators and teachers that they need to be more considerate of your child as she works through this tough period in her life. After all, EVERY child goes through a tough period in their lives at some point in their four years of High School.
5. Your child’s version of what is happening may not be what is really happening.
Your child comes home and tells you that the teacher doesn’t like him. Or he says that the other kids don’t include him in their conversations.
This is perhaps the trickiest situation to get your head wrapped around because what your child is telling you is very real in his head. And you must discern if what he is telling you is actually what is happening. But don’t presume that it is factual, until you do a little discovery work.
We had a student who told her mom the other kids don’t include her. But what she didn’t tell her mom is that she wore her ipod earbuds and sat in an alcove looking out the window. Her body language told the other kids, “Don’t bother me.” What she really wanted to communicate is, “I’m afraid you won’t include me, so I’m going to take a defensive posture. But if you want to be my friend and you come tap me on the shoulder and ask me to do something with you, I will.” Once Mom found this out and we found out why she was wearing her ear buds, we all worked together to help her make friends.
The next time your “mamma bear” instincts come out, take a deep breath. Think about the situation. Are you hovering too much? Listen to what your child says and then get more details before coming to a conclusion.
You are your child’s greatest advocate. But you are also a parent who needs to help her child figure out how to navigate life, work with other people, and rise up to the challenges that become tougher as s/he grows up.
Oh yea – if my child’s teacher was asked to “grade your parents” what grade would I have gotten? Back then I would have said “A.” Now, with the knowledge and hindsight I’d say “C.” Not because I wasn’t “there.” I was “there” too much; too quick to defend him and justify his actions without really knowing the full truth.
If your child’s teacher was asked to “Grade Your Parents” please share what grade you think you’d get today and why.
